The COR of Anni Roc

photo by ferchrissakes

I missed the deadline for the Instructables TShirt Hack Contest. Not going to bother publishing this on the Instructables website, at least for now. I’ll wait a few years for another contest if I have to. I really wanted to enter the contest but apparently not enough to get distracted by menial matters. Didn’t go out and rejected offers for socializing this weekend yet I failed. Slept for about 4 hours too but it wasn’t enough. The shirt is done just the way I wanted it but I didn’t give enough time to write the steps on the website hence missing the deadline.

My roommate’s voice rings in my head, “Well whose fault is that?” for an unrelated event earlier in the night concerning photography and presumptions and my muddled head. That voice is now an echo which is turning into a cacophony in my head that adds to the pile of rubble of disappointment.

I don’t know why the smallest projects I do mutate into the most monstrous, quixotic, overtly detailed monsters. I hate it sometimes. No control. No stop sign. The thoughts just keep going to make something intricate, detailed, better, interesting, etc. To keep seeing more into the subject but end up getting lost in the forest of thoughts only to die of starvation.

But one of the worst thoughts is: “Oh that’s easy, it won’t take long. You’ll make it in time.” Because after deadlines come and go it will turn into: “You’re stupid.” or “Not again.” or the newest one “Fail.” A gloomy post like this was perhaps inevitable. It was a matter of time before old garbage or past mistakes regurgitate to the pristine surface of this blog.

The contest will not give me millions of dollars. It was an opportunity to compete and contribute and see how I’d fare with fellow colleagues and such. It was also another project to feel accomplished about. So to not make it on the deadline is a major disappointment. And now I have to fight this newly recruited demon. Did a pretty good at keeping the other demons at bay but this is not good. Kept Fear and Doubt in control but now it’s just being replaced by Disappointment. So the battle starts.

Nobody’s fault but my own indeed.

Have to keep going. I have to do these things, these projects.